areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
