i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
