the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
