I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
