Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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