Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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