I am midnight drunk by noon
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
