Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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