K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
