Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
