well you can't waste a boner
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
