If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
