I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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