Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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