This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
