Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
