She's JV to your varsity
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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