My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
