I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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