So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
