so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
