dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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