Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
