I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
That accounts for only three of the penises
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
not ubering you a puppy
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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