ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
