Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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