hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
