You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
