My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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