Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
