...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
