No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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