I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
