Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
