I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
