Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
