Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
