if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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