I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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