I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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