I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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