He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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