So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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