I cannot find my penis.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
