sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
