i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
