It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
