We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
