Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I have feelings that need drinking.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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