dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
