Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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